RPGTopia

WARNING - Before I start I am quite good at putting gore and realisim into my stories so if you are easily scared please do not read this story! Please realise this is completely fictional!

"Hi, My name is Kyle Smith, I'm 15 and I live in Holly Michigan, U.S.A I have a grave and terrifing story to tell.

It all started on the Eve of Halloween 2007. It was coming to the hour of 11pm and I was all alone in the house as my father was on a buisness meeting in Paris for a week and my mother was partying at a friends. I had been watching the late night shopping channels as i slowly drifted of to a deep sleep....

I slowly awoke and looked up at the clock "Crap" I said I was supposed to let Howard, the dog in I slowly got of the sofa and edged my way to the kitchen door. I fixed myself up a soda and waddled slowly to the back door, as I opened the door my face was met by a cold and shrill breeze I called across the garden "Howard, Howard" but he didn't come he didn't anwser not a bark nothing so I scanned the horizon when something caught my eye.

A large creature had situated itself 100ft away from me on the top of my Summer House it had what looked like leathery grey skin due to it's colour and pattern it had a set of long arms and legs and it's finger's and toes each possesed what looked like 10cm long black claws, it also had a row of long black spines coming down it's back, i couldn't see it's face as it was facing away from me. This didn't frighten me as I thought it was just some teenage dressed in a costume pulling early pranks for Halloween until it turned round!

There he was, Howard draped in the mouth, drained of blood, of this creature. It had large red eye's and a small grey snout with huge long fangs. This upset me. I shouted at the top of my voice at it "You *******", It dropped Howard and lept down from the Summer House, I was really scared now. I backed into the house and locked the door. I heard the creature shriek as it bounded along the grass to my door...

Across the lawn it could see I used the door handle to open the door, so as it reached the door it went straight for the door handle but couldn't open it this enraged the creature, it started smashing at the door with it's claws and battering it with it's head but it realised it was no use. The creature walked away from the door and disappered. I went back and sat down in the living room think of what to do if it came back. I then realised I hadn't locked the front door I rushed up to and locked it. I then thought of any other entrance their where none unles no, the chimney!
I ran throught to the dining room where the chimney entered the house but it was to late...

The creature had already made it inside the house through the chimney. I had already locked the doors and was now locked in here with the creature. I realised I was done for, there was nothing to do. The creature shriek a blood curdling cry and leapt acroos the table, I screamed...

Then I woke up. "It was all A dream" I said to myself, Then I looked up there was the creature. Looming over me. It let out a shrill cry as I closed my eyes and waited for my uncertain demise..."

"
"Hi, My name is Kyle Smith, I'm 15 and I live in Holly Michigan, U.S.A I have a grave and terrifing story to tell. "

If you start off with the Narator being alive, its quite hard to convince us that he is in any real danger of dying.
Fear is created by the unknown, the nagging uncertainty of just what we will find. You could kinda say that Fear is the opposite of curisoity. Curiosity tells us to open the door to find out whats knocking on it, fear tells us that if we do so, we might be put in danger, whatever that danger might be.

After he called the dog, straight away he sees the creature and you describe him. The reader, instead of going "...what happened to the dog?"
Goes: "oh, it was a big leathery monster, terrifying."

The idea of a giant monster out side his house doesnt say much, as there is no real unanswered question. The only question it does raise is "Is it going to disembowel him violently?" However, as he is telling us this story, thats struck out, leaving us in control.


Also, Clichés are horrible to have in any story, unless you intend on ironing it out later

this line made me reel
"This didn't frighten me as I thought it was just some teenage dressed in a costume pulling early pranks for Halloween until it turned round!
"

Dood! Why did you fix "it was all a dreamed"? That was hilarious man! Hilarious!

Anyway, I'm going to rewrite the story right now.

How "El Chupacabra Story" should have gone:

An El Cupacabra Sighting

Somewhere in South America:

I lazily opened my eyes, realizing I had been asleep for 1 hour. Too long to sleep right now. I had so much to do... well, I got out of the bunk, and I jumped down on the wood floor. Sometimes, I just wish I could move to America and get a nice bed with a T.V and everything... but that was out of the question. I almost for got that my pet goat, Chiquita, was not sleeping down on the floor. This was odd... he usually liked to sleep there during the day. But, I figured he must just be grazing outside. So, I walked toward the door leading to my yard, but I was very tired, and I just didn't want to move. I had to wake up. I walked into the kitchen, got a bucket of cold water, and dunked my head in it. I suddenly was now awake fully. I didn't feel dizzy, I could see clearly, and I felt great.
I walked toward the yard. The trees were dense and I couldn't see him. "Chiquita!" I called. "Chiquita!" Then I saw something move. "Chiquita?" I called out. But it didn't quite look like Chiquita; it looked slightly bigger, but I only saw it for a little bit because it moved into the foliage. "Chiquita..." I said as I moved into the area. I couldn't see the thing that moved by. Hopefully it wasn't a wild dog who killed him. The foliage was dense though; the trees were green, and so was the leaves and ferns, so I didn't know were he was. Then, I saw something red in a bush. It caught my eye, as it was highly covered. I pushed away the ferns, and nothing could prepare me for what I saw.
It was Chiquita... pale and lifeless, with no fluids in his body. There was a bite mark, and blood around it. Something drank my beloved companion's blood. I sobbed, sitting there, sobbing in front of my dead goat. I had him so long... got attached to him... and now, he was brutally killed.
RRRREEEEEEEEEEHHHH.
I jumped at a sound, a sound coming from behind me. I sounded like a demon... or something. I looked back. Nothing was there. I got a sense of fear, and I started walking back.
I saw something move again, move fast, move quick. I still didn't know what it was, but it was huge.
Now I ran, ran toward my home, where I knew I would be safe. Where I wouldn't meet the same fate as my goat. Because a knew, I knew, that whatever that thing was, it killed my goat.
I approached the porch of my house and then slammed the door shut. I held down on it, not daring to look at whatever might be outside. I held it as hard as I could.
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
I looked behind me, and saw something so horrifying, it brought a new definition of fear to my life.
It had two bulging fangs coming out, huge, about 4 inches in diameter. Behind those teeth were a huge row of razor sharp teeth, all of which belonged to a face that was brown, brown fur, with a rounded head, and red, and unearthly eyes. In the mouth there was a tongue that was bright red... blood red. I didn't pay attention to the rest of the body, I just kicked it with all my might. It fell down.I then grabbed a nearby rake and slammed it on the head as hard as I could. I stabbed it with the edges as well, making it bleed. Then, I punched down in its skull as hard as I could. It squealed, then it was squirming. It still wasn't dead. I slammed open the door, grabbed a nearby rock, picked it up with both my hands, turned around, and threw it at the creature's head, that was now up and trying to bite me. It skidded across, looking dead. I breathed a sigh of relief, then ran outside on my porch and tried to calm down. I thought as I sat there, and as exited as I was, I was also tired. I put my head down and slept...
Then, I woke up. This time I widely opened my eyes, as I saw the creature in my face, pinning me down, snarling like the devil himself...

There, that's what I think I should have read. But, use the tips from this story to improve your later works!

Thanks for your replies I will think about this for future stories!

but the thing is if I got good reviews I would post the other half of the story!

Sorry i'm going to sound real nobbish but what does "reel" mean

P.s if I get five yes's in the poll i'll post the other half.

to reel = go: buuuuuuaaaaaaaaaaghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh *hack* *hack*

and then examine my lunch now sitting on the floor

Hey Guys!
Im back after many months but not for long !
I will be Making the Second part of this story hopefully improved with your tips then I will have no need to come back to this site.

From MegalodonShark