Jokes: Take Your Best Shot

[Lolburst]

-snip-

[TyrannoTitan]

Lolburst, religious jokes like that aren't allowed here, you have to consider our religious members.

Don't do it again.

[Zephyr]

Wanna hear a cheesey joke?

[Shade]

Probably not, but let's hear it anyway.

[Zephyr]

okay let me put some mozzarella on it

[C S]

I WANT CHEDDER! GIMME CHEDDER!


This guy says "My children are with my wife for the weakend" and this other guy says "Your divorced?" and the first guy says "No, my wife's dead, they are camping out by her grave for the weakend"

[Evil Eye]

my dad told me this one, sorry if its offensive

how do u tell who likes u better, your wife or dog?
take your dog and lock it in your car trunk and drive around a bit, let it out.
do the same with your wife.
when u let them out, which one is happy to see u? lol

[Tediz]

That's funny EvilEye. This next one isn't like... Aimed at anyone it's just a joke

Yo' Momma such a ***** I took a DNA test to see who yo' Daddy was, and the results came back as "RPGTopia Community"

[chook151]

Umm i dunno if anyone heard this before but:

There were three girls in a pub, one redhead, one brunette and one blonde.
They were arguing about who was the best swimmer, so they agreed that they all would join the world swimming competition, from australia to tazmania.
One day after the world swimming competition started the redhead crossed the finish line. They reporter said" CONGRATULATIONS, YOU COMPLETED THE WORLD CUP WITH BREASTSTROKE AND WON 1ST PRIZE, HOW DO YOU FEEL!."
The redhead replied: "Great. my hair rocks." And walked off.
Two days after that the bruette crossed the finish line.
The reporter again screamed:" CONGRATULATIONS, YOU COMPLETED THE WORLD CUP WITH BREASTSTROKE AND WON 2nd PRIZE, HOW DO YOU FEEL!."
The brunette replied: " Awesome, my hair totally is the best." and walked off.

Two months after that, a very tired blonde crossed the finish line.
The very tired reporter who had lost his voice screeched:" CONGRATULATIONS, YOU COMPLETED THE WORLD CUP WITH BREASTSTROKE AND WON 11345TH PRIZE, HOW DO YOU FEEL!."
the blonde replied: "OK, but they others cheated, they were using thier hands!"

[Evil Eye]

oooh! just remembered this one, its really corny!
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by a bay, they'd be bagels

[Zephyr]

OH GOD PRICELESS, if i wasnt pissed of at life i'd be dying of laughter

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS : Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?


WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: getting laid

____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

W ITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.

[Giratina93]

Bump.

Time for my joke...

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Leter they get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion." "I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached God's Holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him." They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision..."

[UltraGrunt117]

Yo momma so fat they classified her as a planet

^ Yo momma so poor she has to live on herself.

[The Seeker]

Here's one i find funny but some of you might not

The early bird gets the worm, but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese

Hint for those who don't understand it: Mousetrap

[Godzilla Forever]

Here's a joke my dad made up:

There's a clone and a wookiee. The wookee gets bored so decides to annoy the clone by staring at him. The clone, annoyed, turns and says, "Can I help you?"

The wookiee responds by saying, "Yeah. I'm wookieeing at you."

[Alpha]

Don't flame me for this.

I heard there are going to release a new McDonalds burger in tribute to Michael Jackson.

It's gonna be 50 year old meat, between 10 year old bums.

Get the joke?.

[The Seeker]

Funny one Alpha, 2 bad hes dead

this one isnt supposed to be offensive in any way sorry if it is

Yo mamma so fat, she doesnt eat with a fork, she eats with a FORKLIFT!

[Murloc Tyrannus]

I'll try. It's kinda stupid though.


A farmer has 3 daughters, each going on their first date. He waits for their dates at his front door with a shotgun. The first man arrives and says "Hi, my name is Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're gonna go see a show, is she ready to go?" The farmer says yes and lets the two leave. The next young man arrives and says "Hello, my name is Eddy. I'm here for Betty. We're gonna go eat some spaghetti, is she ready?" The farmer agrees and lets them go. The third man comes and starts off: "Hi, my name is Chuck--" and the farmer shoots him.